


always been the quiet type

by anotherdirtycomputer



Category: Marvel (Comics), Young Avengers (Comics)
Genre: Anxiety, Bisexual Tommy Shepherd, Borderline Personality Disorder, Character Study, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Trans Character, Unreliable Narrator, trans tommy shepherd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-21 02:23:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16150547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anotherdirtycomputer/pseuds/anotherdirtycomputer
Summary: Tommy's never been good at being close to people.





	always been the quiet type

**Author's Note:**

> this fic isn't exactly what i want it to be, but since it's gonna be the first of halloween in a few hours, i wanna get a fic up
> 
> the bpd tag might seem misleading, but i based tommy's delusions of feeling unloved on my own experiences with the mental illness
> 
> hope you enjoy! ♡

Tommy sometimes forgets his own isolation. He’s been silent for so long, after all; as much as he likes to think himself an open book, he’s really a closed door. It takes little effort to open it, but no one ever wants to step into the room.

He tells himself he doesn’t mind.

Because -- it’s fine, isn’t it? He has people to care for, places to go. He’s free now, no more scientists, no more foster homes. Just because he feels like a _stranger_ sometimes doesn’t mean…

Doesn’t mean what?

He never has an answer. He stops his thoughts there, pushes it all aside, and goes on. Runs away.

Sometimes, Tommy can forget his own isolation, if he tries hard enough. But only for so long until it becomes painful again -- until Lisa’s arms are too loose around him, until Billy walks ahead of him and doesn’t look back, until he sees the slope of David’s jaw from outside his office and watches him for too long to be comfortable, wondering what it’s like to be known.

It doesn’t matter, he tells himself, it’s fine. It’s fine.

It’s fine.

At night, when he’s lying on his back, staring at a ceiling, or a bunk above his, or a wide expanse of stars, he knows it isn’t fine. The ache in his chest tells him so.

-

It’s been a very good day for Tommy, so far.

Spending time with his team is sometimes an emotional gamble, but so far everything’s been great. They went out to eat together, had a big meal where Tommy listened to everyone chatter happily while he smiled at his food, and after some discussion debating the pros and cons, they all went to the beach.

Usually, the beach would make Tommy nervous, but today’s visit went exceptionally well. No one questioned his choice of dress, even jokingly, he didn’t get bit or stung by anything, and no one became suddenly annoyed by him for reasons he didn’t understand. The team can tire of him pretty quickly, he’s noticed, no matter how hard he tries to be worthy of them, but, luckily, today was different. Today, his efforts meant something.

It’s been such a good day, and it only seems to get better when he’s invited to drive home with Billy and Teddy. They make plans to watch a movie together -- _can you believe it?_ \-- after the three of them are cleaned up. Hopefully, Tommy thinks with a sigh, _I won’t mess this up._

He’s been lucky so far, he figures. Why should that change now?

Avoiding those thoughts, Tommy makes his way over to the movies his brothers have on DVD, and scratches idly at his stomach through his shirt. Going to the beach is fun, but the sand sticking to him makes it hard to decide if it’s worth the discomfort. Hopefully Teddy will finish his shower soon so he and Billy can wash up, too.

Tommy notices a copy of _The Voyage Home_ in the movies and swallows around his desire to bring it up. He doesn’t really talk about his interests with the team, not really. Especially not the big ones, _especially_ not Star Trek. He’d just end up saying too much, annoying them, chasing them away, and being alone again.

The midnight ache suddenly flares up under his hand.

He doesn’t want to feel like a stranger.

“The whale one,” he says, as casually as he can manage. His mouth feels very dry, but he tells himself it’s from sand and salt. Billy looks over at him, pausing in his attempt to get some sand off of his legs with his dirty beach towel. “...I like this one. Good movie.”

Billy blinks at the DVD in Tommy’s hand, his face lighting up when he recognizes it. “Oh, yeah, that one’s the best. Wanna watch it?”

Yes. Badly.

“Maybe,” he says, shrugging. He can feel himself making that face again -- the one that makes him look so much like Magneto’s Grandson. He probably looks like an asshole. “Whatever Ted’s up for.”

It’s fine if they don’t watch the movie; it’s better if they don’t. He’d just end up talking the whole time. It would annoy them. There wouldn’t be any more beach days after that, not after he ruined it with his stupid mouth. There’d be no more lunches where everyone is smiling and arguing and demanding to pay for their meal before remembering Kate is rich.

Tommy takes a deep breath, and tries to remain calm.

Billy doesn’t seem to notice his strange fit, thankfully. Too busy with his towel. “We can ask when he gets out. There’s always Netflix, too, if you wanna watch something else.”

Throat too tight to speak, Tommy nods in reply.

Just be cool for a little while longer, he tells himself. Just a little while longer. The shower will help. Tonight is going to be fine.

-

Seeing David at work is weird now.

He still goes and sits at his desk, even after everything that happened, just… taking phone calls. He sighs, pushes up his glasses (that he doesn’t even need) to rub at the bridge of his nose, stares at the ceiling. Yells into the receiver.

When Tommy asked him why he still did it, before they knew each other very well, David said he didn’t really know. That it was just a job. But, time passed so strangely for Tommy, he forgot things so often, he ended up asking a second time not long after that.

Before he could panic, or even realize his mistake, David had turned his head to the side and thought for a moment.

“It’s nice, I guess, to still use my powers,” he’d admitted. “I mean, they’re gone. Definitely gone… But, I’m helping people.”

Talking to David is strange sometimes. Not bad strange, but really, really _good_ strange; the kind of strange that makes Tommy hopeful and paranoid all at once. Like how he felt when staying at the Kaplan’s place, but so much less trapped.

At first, David had seemed wary about Tommy, regarding him with guarded looks and a suspicious raise of an eyebrow. Tommy’s used to that, and even at the time, it had been cute. David’s expressions were mostly very, very cute.

More recently, though, David is much less guarded. He opened up that first day, when they got coffee and noodles, but he opens up even more now. He’s still a bit wary, but David’s a quiet kind of guy, Tommy thinks. He likes to wait by the sideline and watch, but gets pulled into the action anyways because he’s too nice to stay out of it.

He’s kind of perfect.

Seeing him now, tired and frustrated at his desk, Tommy can’t stop thinking it.

He’s perfect.

He deserves better than this.

Tommy walks forward a bit, knocks on the office door gently to catch David’s attention. Those wide eyes meet his and he tries very hard not to startle or smile.

“Hey, you wanna-”

David’s entire body seems to relax. “Noodles? Please say noodles.”

His eagerness makes Tommy laugh. He rarely laughed before becoming friends with David. “Anything you want.” It’s not supposed to come out like that, but it’s not a lie. If David asked him to carry him all the way to the other side of the world, or to the center of the earth, or even run him to the _moon_ , Tommy doesn’t think he’d be able to say no.

The phone starts ringing, and Tommy makes a face at it, shakes his head. He exaggerates his movements to make it seem like he’s joking, but the idea of seeing David’s face scrunched up like that again...

_Don’t do it,_  he tries to tell David. _You don’t deserve this._

But, David smiles, and it makes Tommy’s elevated speedster heartbeat hit a dangerous pace. He picks up the phone and goes to business like usual, but this time his eyebrows aren’t pulled together, his forehead isn’t creased, and his shoulders remain relaxed. Tommy doesn’t hear a word of the call, so distracted by David’s ease.

When David’s eyes meet Tommy’s, just for a moment, there’s something special and secret that passes between them that Tommy has never felt before.

When they go out for lunch, Tommy pays.

-

The days pass by strangely after that. Instead of the usual blur of long, worthless hours, days turning into months and hours passing like seconds, everything feels … balanced.

There are still days where nothing happens, or he goes to a club and dances with faceless people until snail-time is bearable, or he stares at the ceiling and feels something cold settle into his bones because he’s so afraid of that something he can’t even name. But, mostly, the days are good. Tommy can distinguish Tuesdays from Thursdays, 10 AM from 5 PM, morning from twilight -- all for the first time he can remember. Time _means_ something, and it shocks him.

David’s the cause of it all.

Tommy spends so much time with David now, they’re nearly inseparable. David opens up to him easily with some things, but less so with others -- Tommy finds himself opening up, too, if not for his own sake then for David’s, sharing stories about foster homes and not-quite-juvie. They talk about what they’d do if they could do anything, truly anything. They tease each other as much as they support each other. When Tommy doesn’t speak up, David gives him that _look_ , like he’s waiting patiently, because Tommy is an idiot, but the warmth in his eyes says he _gets_ it, and Tommy doesn’t know what to think about it.

He tells himself he doesn’t, anyways. The thoughts he has about David are ones he wishes he’d forget.

For the first time, he’s made a real, genuine friend, found someone that doesn’t want to be rid of him as much as he wants to be attached to them. David cares about him, but all Tommy wants to do is-

Be friends. Yes, that’s all. Just… Just friends.

It gets harder and harder to lie.

-

They’re sitting side by side on Tommy’s mostly-comfortable loveseat in his kind-of-shitty apartment, watching _Xena_ on Tommy’s decent-sized TV. Tommy’s already seen this episode -- they’re his DVDs, after all -- but even if it were entirely new, he wouldn’t be able to focus.

David is sitting close enough for their knees to touch, looking contented and occasionally laughing at any mythological inaccuracies. He’s not wearing his glasses, and his face looks softer without them somehow. More vulnerable.

Or maybe Tommy’s just projecting.

He tries to focus on Xena and Gabrielle’s adventure, but his eyes keep drifting sideways to stare at David’s profile, tracing the shape of his nose, his mouth.

Tommy can only hope David doesn’t notice.

“You know,” David’s voice is low, but it might as well be the only sound in the room. “As silly as some of these episodes are, I’m actually surprised by how much I like it.”

Tommy doesn’t stare at the way his lips move, or the way the line of his jaw shifts, or the way his brown eyes crinkle at the corners as he smiles, glancing towards Tommy-

Tommy stares at the screen and doesn’t see anything. “Right? Told you it was worth it.”

For a moment, the only sounds are from the show and the shitty air vents. An awkward silence hangs between them, and his peripherals tell Tommy that David is looking at him.

Tommy stares at the screen.

“Tom, is everything okay?”

David does this thing that Tommy hates, where he knows him somehow, sees right through him even when he thinks he’s putting on a good show. No one else does that but David. No one else cares to. Tommy doesn’t let them.

Tommy looks sideways, forcing his mouth into an easy, teasing smirk. “Yeah, why? Did I give off the impression that something was wrong?”

“You did. Still are, in fact. That’s why I asked.” David raises an eyebrow at him. “You’ve been distant. You’re acting like you’re not, but I know you better than that by now.”

He bounces his shoulders in an easy shrug. He’s caught and he knows it, but he doesn’t know how to give it up. “You’re imagining things, man-”

“I’m not. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s alright, but … I just wanted to let you know, I’m here and I see you.”

The wall falls pretty quickly after that.

“You’re using your therapy words with me?” He means to say it like a joke, but it comes out small and tired, just like he feels.

David almost laughs. “I guess so. Whatever helps.”

Tommy turns his head towards David again, and finds their faces far too close together. He doesn’t pull away. “I don’t really think what’s going on with me-” David licks his lips and Tommy tries very, very hard not to notice that. “-can really be helped.”

David’s hands are placed awkwardly in his lap. He stares down at them, and Tommy knows he’s thinking. He thinks a lot, Tommy’s noticed, and he has the same tell every time. When he’s wondering what to order, he stares downward and looks at nothing. When he’s trying to remember a fact he hasn’t pulled up in a long time, he stares downward and looks at nothing. His face is always pinched together, forehead wrinkled just enough to make Tommy want to kiss it smooth.

When David starts talking, Tommy looks unseeingly towards the floor as well, even as their faces are still turned towards each other. It’s easier than looking at that expression.

“You know,” he says, then swallows. Very un-David-like. “You… You can.”

Tommy waits for a beat. “I can…?”

“You can … like me.” David sighs, like he’s looking for the right words. Tommy’s blood feels cold. His hands begin to shake. “That sounds very fourth grade. What I mean is, I- I know you have feelings for me. I didn’t want to say anything, because it’s not exactly fair that I’m a super genius-” Tommy’s not seeing anything, and yet he knows David rolls his eyes here. “And what you do or don’t feel towards me is your business-”

“Until it isn’t?”

David makes a face. “I know. I’m sorry. But, you’ve been pulling away from me, and I wanted to let you know that it’s okay. You’re…” He clears his throat, and when Tommy finally looks up, he sees David looking nervous. “You’re important to me, you know. And- I’m not sure I’m ready to act on them, but I have feelings for you, too.”

The world stops for a minute, then spins. “Wait, what?”

David’s eyes widen a little. Quietly, he says, “I really hope I didn’t misread things.”

“No! I-” He swallows, hard. “I do.” He feels ashamed, and scared. “You’re right.”

“Oh,” David relaxes. His eyes glance around, then meet Tommy’s, just before Tommy looks away. “Well, it’s mutual, then.”

“Oh.”

David smiles. It’s a patient smile, but David obviously feels very awkward. It’s almost enough to make Tommy laugh. “Oh.”

“So… It’s not- I mean, we’re cool?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“Just…” Tommy shakes his head, feeling flustered and relaxed. The TV keeps playing. David’s knee is still warm against his. “A mutual crush between bros, huh?”

David laughs, and Tommy smiles at the sound. “Just guys bein’ dudes.”

“What could be better than this?”

They smile at each other, the same smile in David’s office so long ago, the same smile they’ve been sharing for months now.

Tommy still can’t quite place what it means, but that’s alright. It’s warm, and good, and sacred between them, a secret moment for just the two of them. Xena makes her war-cry and following it comes the sound of steel-on-steel, but Tommy finds he can’t be bothered with all of that right now. What matters most is this, right here, with David, their knees pressed close, shoulders brushing. In the air around them is a large, happy _maybe_.

Tommy feels pretty hopeful about it.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are a writer's best friend!
> 
> let me know if you'd like me to continue this... i'm not very happy with where it went, but i felt this was the best ending for this particular piece.


End file.
